And Kurama
by Lanie McCoy
Summary: Focus: Hiei, Kurama -- POV: Kurama, Hiei -- Pairings: KuramaxHiei -- Warning: Shounen-ai -- Note: My first non-songfic fanfic about these two.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing Yuu Yuu Hakusho related except for about seven tapes of English dubs, seven DVDs, and one wall scroll.**

**Summary:**

**Focus: Kurama, Hiei**

**POV: Kurama, Hiei**

**Pairings: Hiei/Kurama**

**Baseline Plot: Kurama is woken at three in the morning by an urgent Botan. Why? She can't tell him, because for some reason, she can't speak through the tears. They take off to Genkai's where everything is explained.**

**Sort of.**

**Note: Most text is first-person from Kurama's point of view. _Italics_ are first-person from Hiei's point of view.**

**Note: The phrase 'Kurama-ruby' is an idea of Larissa's, not mine, and I claim no credit for its origins. The idea behind the phrase 'Hiei-gem' is also Larissa's, and I claim credit only for the phrasing, but not the idea.**

One morning, I woke hours too early to the sound of a sharp tapping on my window. I remember it distinctly – of course, it only happened today – but the point is, I think I always will. I cannot forget the day that changed my life forever. No matter how hard I try, it will not just go away.

I was still unsteady, still disoriented from my sleep. But I looked out the window and I saw Botan, and I knew immediately, something was horribly wrong. Botan didn't just pay me a visit at three in the morning to say hello.  Perhaps a mission, too important to be left 'til daybreak? That would be odd, certainly, and rather unlike Koenma, but who was I to judge the little demi-god, especially at this hour.

I slid out from underneath the sheets, thankful you were spending the night in Makai, and there was no risk of your waking as I left the bed. I padded to the window and opened it slowly, rubbing my eyes and brushing deep crimson locks from my face.

"Ohayou, Botan-san."

She's frantic. I can see that as soon as I speak. Something has indeed gone terribly wrong, but that doesn't mean it isn't a mission. It just means it's something she isn't sure we can handle.

"Aa, ohayou, Kurama-kun," she blurts, her voice shaking and sporadically quick and slow. "Kurama-kun – I – I – Kurama, come with me!" she wails finally, apparently more upset than I first gave her credit for.

I shake sleep from my eyes, climbing to the windowsill and slipping to the back of her oar. She takes off at a rocket-like pace, faster than even she normally goes, but with far more jerking and bumping than is normal. As I cling on for dear life, that's the last thing from my mind, however.

"Botan-san," I manage through the winds tearing by my face, "where are we going?" An irregular jolt of wind interrupts me. "What's wrong?"

She only shakes her head, leaning down, streamlining against her oar and flying faster. "Later," she manages through what sound like tears. "You'll find out when we get there."

"Where?" I shout in response, now curious and at the same time, slightly frightened.

"There!" she answers cryptically, beginning to dive as we reach our destination, wherever it may be. I still can't see through the winds alongside me, my eyes tearing as I try.

As I feel my feet finally touch solid ground, I stand and promptly stumble backwards, unused to the relative stillness of the earth around me. As I gain my bearings, I realize we've reached Genkai's temple, our regular meeting place. Botan appears to be brushing back tears, spinning her oar around in one hand and replacing it in her personal space-dimensional pocket.

Yuusuke and Kuwabara are seated side by side on the steps, Yuusuke comforting Keiko as she cries on his shoulder and Kuwabara giving Yukina a place to weep.

That's rather odd.

Why are Keiko and Yukina here? And if they are, why isn't Shizuru?

I spend little time on this questioning, making my way over to Genkai to ask where Hiei is. She glances over as she sees me coming, turning her head away and closing her eyes. That's a bit curious, but I forget it as I bow to her deeply.

"Ohayou, Master Genkai," I begin, surprising even myself with the assuredness in my voice.

"Kurama," she acknowledges evenly, her eyes still turned away from me.

"Master Genkai," I continue with a solid and sturdy voice that should no longer surprise me, but does, "would you be so kind as to tell me where Hiei is?"

She opens her eyes slightly, keeping them half-lidded, still not looking at me. "Inside. He wants to be left alone."

I nod in response, curious as to why you want to be alone, but respecting your wishes none-the-less.

Sitting with my back against the closest tree, a sturdy pine off to the side of the yard, I close my eyes and meditate. But rather than clear my mind, as meditation usually does, all the thoughts flood it at once, each more curious than the last.

Why are we all here? And at three in the morning, no less.

Why are Keiko and Yukina here? And without Shizuru, not to mention.

Why aren't you out here, with me? And why are you keeping inside, where I can't see you?

Why is Botan so upset? And why wouldn't Genkai look at me?

Why has no one mentioned a mission yet? Why does no one seem to know what's going on?

But that isn't right…

They do appear to know what's going on. They all do. So why did my instinct tell me they did not? Why, with all my intelligence, all my thieving instincts, all my sharp wit, did I not know from the start? Why did I think wrong?

Because they all mask it.

They all pretend.

But why are they pretending? Why was I the last one called? Why won't anyone tell me? Why won't _you_ tell me? Why won't you even _see_ me?

With a snap, it all falls into place. And then I'm trying to find you, the link between us burning in my intensity, and yet, I'm still reeling from the shock, and the communication is unintentional.

'You're gone, aren't you?'

_Yes._

'You're never coming back.'

_No._

'Someone was just too strong.'

_…Almost._

'They don't want me to know.'

_No._

'They want to protect me.'

_Yes._

'They're all foolish bastards.'

_No._

'They don't think I can handle it.'

_Can you?_

'They think I'm too weak.'

_Are you?_

'No, no I'm not too weak. I'm a thousand years old and more. I've dealt with loss. I'm a warrior. I'm accustomed to death. I can handle the loss of a friend. I've done it before.'

_Ah, but have you ever handled the loss of a lover you truly loved?_

'I can handle this. I can. I'm strong. I'm brave. I've got my friends beside me. I'm strong. I'm brave. I can.'

_…Can you?_

'…I'm crying, aren't I?'

_You tell me._

'I am, aren't I?'

_I see no tears._

'…That doesn't mean I'm not crying.'

_Kurama…_

'I'm falling apart inside, I can feel it. My tentative barriers are crumbling into dust, being blown away by the wind that has replaced half my heart. My mind is crying out that it's not true, it can't be, you're just inside, keeping to yourself, as is your way, but the half of my heart that has turned to wind knows different.

'Demons will tell you a thousand times over that no creature of such bloodlust, such craving for the thrill of battle, such ecstasy over the success of the kill, no creature such as that could ever have a heart. But I will defy them every time. This demon has a heart, and this demon is discovering why he went without one for a thousand years and more.

'This demon's heart has become ashes in the wind, and it's more painful than any lost battle could ever be…'

_Kurama… Kurama, I've broken my vows to you… I've hurt you, my Kurama-ruby, I've made you cry…and I can't wash your sorrow away anymore, and I can't make it all alright anymore, and Kurama…_

_I can't help you when you cry anymore…and Kurama…_

_It's tearing me up inside…_

'Hiei…'almost'…what do you mean, someone was 'almost' too strong…?'

_Kurama-ruby… I can't hurt you any more…_

'You're only hurting me more by not telling me… Please?…'

_Kurama-ruby… I was fighting…he was strong…almost too strong…but I could still win. I felt in my heart that I could win. I was faster, and I was smarter. I could win._

'So why did you lose…?'

_I lost because I…stopped._

_Kurama-ruby… I stopped trying._

'Hiei…'

_Kurama, I stopped trying because I was a fool. I thought of nothing but the kill, and it made me scared. I was not thinking of you, I was not thinking of me. I was thinking of the kill and only of the kill, and I didn't want that._

_You didn't want that._

'But if that was worth your life, how could I have cared? I want you to live, I need you to live. I need you too… Hiei…remember all you've done…for me?'

_All I've done, Kurama, not all I am doing. I've made terrible mistakes, and I'm not worth you any more. You deserve so much more than I've become._

'But Hiei… But I still love you…'

_I'll love you forever, Kurama-ruby. Remember that. Remember that and remember me as I was._

'You're here beside me.'

But I can feel the link is gone, and I can no longer sense you beside me. You've left me. You've left me forever. The only one I have ever truly loved, and you left me.

And yet, I cannot hold resentment towards you.

For you see, my Hiei-gem…

I love you.

Always and forever.

I'll wake tomorrow morning and you'll be pressed against my back.

You'll wait in the tree outside my bedroom window for me to come home from school.

You'll come inside and we'll talk.

I haven't quite realized it yet.

It doesn't seem real.

It can't be real…it can't…

I'll wake tomorrow morning and you'll be pressed against my back…

Please tell me it'll be all right…

Please tell me…

Please…

_Kurama…it's over…it's all right, because it's over. It's over, and I still… And Kurama…ai shiteru… _

_This fight has been won, and that makes it all right…_

_Leave me behind, and live your life the way it was meant to be lived, Kurama._

_I'm gone now, Kurama. But remember one thing about me, if nothing else._

_Ai shiteru, my Kurama-ruby. Always and forever. So please, if nothing else…_

_Remember the way I was…for me?_


End file.
